Well, I told everyone at work today. Carla is the "mother hen" type, so she was most shocked as she knows the most about my situation with Dave and all that. But the guys were just like "oh hey, thats great, congrats!" And that was it. Why can't everyone be like that? Haha. I told my friend Michelle too, although reluctantly. I knew that because of her religious beliefs, she would not be happy with me. And she wasn't. Even though she met Stephen and liked him very much...I think she really couldn't get past the "out of wedlock" part. So I just gave her the old "everything happens for a reason", and she really couldn't argue with that. HEHE! But it is still frustrating that someone who I've known for years, who knows me really well, can instantly turn on you like that...over some stupid 2,000 year old moral code. Seriously people.
Anyway, not much else to say about today, I'm feeling kinda icky like maybe I'm getting a cold, or maybe just sinus stuff. Either way I'm stuck with it cause I can't take medicine. I've been coughing some this evening, wil have to keep an eye on it.
Tomorrow is a very exciting day. I have a presentation that I wrote for a conference last year that is all about children's "disconnection" with the natural world, and how studies are showing being outdoors in green spaces is healthy for children, in many different ways. And interpreters such as myself are that link between those children and the outdoors which, sadly, many of them fear. Anyway, this presentation has caught like wildfire. It helps that it is based on a book that has done very well, and the auther coined it "nature deficit disorder" and also said we need a nationwide movement to curb this problem, and he coined that "No Child Left Inside". Well, I have been asked to present this session 6 times at various conferences and trainings! The one that is coming up is a Visioning conference for the entire Division of State Parks! All the directors and big wigs will be there (no pressure, right?!). Well, many states are joining the No Child Left Inside initiative, and apparently Missouri is starting to pay attention too. So a girl who works in central office for Planning and Development wants to meet with ME to hear MY ideas on how Missouri can start its own intiative. ME! MY ideas! Wow. I just can't get over all the attention this is getting. Its great, because this issue definatly needs this attention...but I'm not really used to being in the spotlight like this, its really crazy! But exciting that I may get to be a part of something really big, and something I feel is really important to the health and well being of our children. I'll let you know how it goes!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Pain and more pain
Today was bad. For the past few days I have been very crampy feeling in my lower abdomen, and the pain radiates to my lower back. It seems worse if I have to sit or stand for an extended period of time. Which is what happened at work today. I had a lot of paperwork and emails to catch up on, so I spent all day at my desk. By about 2pm, the pain was unbearable. I began to worry that something was going wrong. So I left early.
I talked myself down on the way home instead of rushing to the doctor like a paranoid new mommy, crying about every little thing. But after being home a couple of hours and not feeling better even after taking Tylonol, I started getting myself all worried again. Words like miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy were running through my head. So I hopped in my car and drove to the doctor. The doctor didn't see me, but I talked to Bev again, who is sooo wonderful. Her first question for me was "Are you constipated?" Well I haven't been constipated since I was 4, so I really didn't know. I assumed that it meant that I wasn't going at all. But I told her that I was a little bit, but it was loose and not much at all. She said that it sounds like I was, and that everything was blocked up so only the loose stuff could get through. Yuck. But she said if for some reason that is not the case, then there is nothing they can do until I see bleeding (which would indicate the miscarriage or ectopic preg). So she recommended a laxitive and I was on my way. And apparently, constipation is very common in pregnancy. The increase in progesterone causes food to move slower through the digestive tract. Progesterone helps my uterus to become a more comfy apartment for baby. :)
But it will also make my boobs grow bigger. Ugh. Could do without that.
I came home and took the medicine, which said to take 1-4 pills (usually 2). So I took 2. Couple hours later and I was wishing for my backache. Horrible cramps and all I can describe as water passing through my rear. I know its supposed to loosen you up, but good lord! I had about 6 bouts of that this evening, so painful, I was weeping while sitting there, the pain in my gut was so bad. I broke out in a cold sweat even, from the pain. I was afraid it was going to cause me either to pass out or vomit. Luckily, neither happened.
I tried to eat dinner, but because of all this other stuff going on, eating just made me nauseous. So all in all, its been a pretty miserable evening. Right now I'm exhausted, but trying to stay up long enough to rehydrate.
I'm too tired to write anything else. More tomorrow.
I talked myself down on the way home instead of rushing to the doctor like a paranoid new mommy, crying about every little thing. But after being home a couple of hours and not feeling better even after taking Tylonol, I started getting myself all worried again. Words like miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy were running through my head. So I hopped in my car and drove to the doctor. The doctor didn't see me, but I talked to Bev again, who is sooo wonderful. Her first question for me was "Are you constipated?" Well I haven't been constipated since I was 4, so I really didn't know. I assumed that it meant that I wasn't going at all. But I told her that I was a little bit, but it was loose and not much at all. She said that it sounds like I was, and that everything was blocked up so only the loose stuff could get through. Yuck. But she said if for some reason that is not the case, then there is nothing they can do until I see bleeding (which would indicate the miscarriage or ectopic preg). So she recommended a laxitive and I was on my way. And apparently, constipation is very common in pregnancy. The increase in progesterone causes food to move slower through the digestive tract. Progesterone helps my uterus to become a more comfy apartment for baby. :)
But it will also make my boobs grow bigger. Ugh. Could do without that.
I came home and took the medicine, which said to take 1-4 pills (usually 2). So I took 2. Couple hours later and I was wishing for my backache. Horrible cramps and all I can describe as water passing through my rear. I know its supposed to loosen you up, but good lord! I had about 6 bouts of that this evening, so painful, I was weeping while sitting there, the pain in my gut was so bad. I broke out in a cold sweat even, from the pain. I was afraid it was going to cause me either to pass out or vomit. Luckily, neither happened.
I tried to eat dinner, but because of all this other stuff going on, eating just made me nauseous. So all in all, its been a pretty miserable evening. Right now I'm exhausted, but trying to stay up long enough to rehydrate.
I'm too tired to write anything else. More tomorrow.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Breaking the news
Well I went home this weekend to break the news to the family. I wasn't exactly sure how to do it. How does one tactfully say, "Oh by the way, I'm pregnant...out of wedlock...and my baby daddy is 4,000 miles away"?? No good way to address that, is there? So I go for the classic ADD approach, and pull a verbal vomit. Yes, that's right. I just blurted it out over dinner. In the middle of the restaraunt. Which I wasn't planning on doing, I thought I would do them the courtesy of at least being in the privacy of the house, but I blame it on me not being able to take my medicine. And hormones. That combination can't be good. So from here on out, readers...I am not responsible for anything that comes flying out of my mouth! ha!
But anyway, they seemed to have the same cycle of emotions I did: shock, worry, then happy. I am, after all, supposed to be the "good kid" the "sensible one" and the "smart one". Yeah kinda threw that out the window, didn't I? Well, I still think I'm good, I'll be a damn better parent then most of my stupid cousins that shouldn't be having children. I'm still a very sensible person and I think my life choices can speak for themselves on that one. And if I wasn't smart, I wouldn't have moved from entry level to top of my field within a year of graduating college, not to mention having all eyes on me from the director of state parks to have me lead the way on a statewide initiative. Being pregnant is just one of life's surprises that always seem to keep things interesting and unpredictable. And beyond that, I am not worried. I am confident in myself, I am confident in Steve, and I'm confident in us as a couple, that we can and will make a great family. He was my first love and really the one I always compared future relationships to...and they never ever came close. He's been my best friend for 10 years, he knows me better than I know myself. I care about him deeply, and I think all that speaks for itself.
And I have gotten off topic again. Sorry. Anyway, long story short, after the intial who what where how and why....my folks genuinely seemed happy for me. So happy that right after dinner we had to go to Cuba to tell grandma. Grandma took it even better, in fact, there were no questions at all. She looked really dumbfounded for a minute, because honestly, who expects this kind of announcement from ME. Yeah, I got it people. Jamie is supposed to be sensible, blah blah blah. But things do happen, and more and more I am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason. And we may not see what that reason is right now, but someday we will. And I think Grandma gets that. Because after the shock she was just tickled.
Today we went down to Springfield and met up with Vicky and Bud. They are still trying to sell their house down there. Sad too, cause the place is gorgeous. It was really funny....Mom said "Jamie has some news she wants to share with you..." and as a joke Vicky just looks up and says "What, are you pregnant?" I just kinda looked up at the ceiling and grinned. And then the "Oh my God!" followed. Then she and Bud just cheered for me and gave me hugs. It was awesome, this was the reaction I wanted. And the best part...when I told them Steve was the dad....even louder cheers! And more hugs. It took a huge load off my shoulders. I don't think I could have taken much more feeling guilty for not living up to people's idea of who I am, for not being the "good sensible one" for not being smart. I know my folks didn't mean to make me feel that way, its their job to worry about me and all, but it doesn't make me feel any better about the whole situation when I'm feeling guilty about it. But I spend my life on the guilt trip train, so it isn't anything new to know that I'm feeling guilty about something.
I also got a call from my cousin Matt today. He's NEVER called me. But he heard the news and he was absolutely bubbling over. It was like I was seeing the cousin I loved so much as a kid again. Back when we used to be so close. He kept saying "I'm so happy for you, you don't even know how happy I am....I think I'm happier about it than you are!" It was really neat. I guess he's really gotten into being a daddy since Ava Marie was born. Brandy also called me today to congratulate me. Apparently Grandma has been on the phone today spreading the news! haha! There will be lots of babies on that side of the family this year....Robbie, Kristy, and now me!
That's about it, I'm feeling about the same...tired. All the driving really did me in, I had to nap in the car to and from Springfield. And sitting for that long really makes my lower back hurt, and I guess the Tylonol helps a little, it doesn't help much. I've been feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomen too, which was starting to worry me, but I've pretty much decided its gas and bloating, which is apparently a common complaint in early pregnancy. Hormones to blame once again. I better get to bed now, its been a long weekend and I'm exhausted, and I might have a long week ahead of me. They want to burn at Johnson's Shut Ins on Tuesday, but I am hoping that it will be too wet from yesterday's rains. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
But anyway, they seemed to have the same cycle of emotions I did: shock, worry, then happy. I am, after all, supposed to be the "good kid" the "sensible one" and the "smart one". Yeah kinda threw that out the window, didn't I? Well, I still think I'm good, I'll be a damn better parent then most of my stupid cousins that shouldn't be having children. I'm still a very sensible person and I think my life choices can speak for themselves on that one. And if I wasn't smart, I wouldn't have moved from entry level to top of my field within a year of graduating college, not to mention having all eyes on me from the director of state parks to have me lead the way on a statewide initiative. Being pregnant is just one of life's surprises that always seem to keep things interesting and unpredictable. And beyond that, I am not worried. I am confident in myself, I am confident in Steve, and I'm confident in us as a couple, that we can and will make a great family. He was my first love and really the one I always compared future relationships to...and they never ever came close. He's been my best friend for 10 years, he knows me better than I know myself. I care about him deeply, and I think all that speaks for itself.
And I have gotten off topic again. Sorry. Anyway, long story short, after the intial who what where how and why....my folks genuinely seemed happy for me. So happy that right after dinner we had to go to Cuba to tell grandma. Grandma took it even better, in fact, there were no questions at all. She looked really dumbfounded for a minute, because honestly, who expects this kind of announcement from ME. Yeah, I got it people. Jamie is supposed to be sensible, blah blah blah. But things do happen, and more and more I am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason. And we may not see what that reason is right now, but someday we will. And I think Grandma gets that. Because after the shock she was just tickled.
Today we went down to Springfield and met up with Vicky and Bud. They are still trying to sell their house down there. Sad too, cause the place is gorgeous. It was really funny....Mom said "Jamie has some news she wants to share with you..." and as a joke Vicky just looks up and says "What, are you pregnant?" I just kinda looked up at the ceiling and grinned. And then the "Oh my God!" followed. Then she and Bud just cheered for me and gave me hugs. It was awesome, this was the reaction I wanted. And the best part...when I told them Steve was the dad....even louder cheers! And more hugs. It took a huge load off my shoulders. I don't think I could have taken much more feeling guilty for not living up to people's idea of who I am, for not being the "good sensible one" for not being smart. I know my folks didn't mean to make me feel that way, its their job to worry about me and all, but it doesn't make me feel any better about the whole situation when I'm feeling guilty about it. But I spend my life on the guilt trip train, so it isn't anything new to know that I'm feeling guilty about something.
I also got a call from my cousin Matt today. He's NEVER called me. But he heard the news and he was absolutely bubbling over. It was like I was seeing the cousin I loved so much as a kid again. Back when we used to be so close. He kept saying "I'm so happy for you, you don't even know how happy I am....I think I'm happier about it than you are!" It was really neat. I guess he's really gotten into being a daddy since Ava Marie was born. Brandy also called me today to congratulate me. Apparently Grandma has been on the phone today spreading the news! haha! There will be lots of babies on that side of the family this year....Robbie, Kristy, and now me!
That's about it, I'm feeling about the same...tired. All the driving really did me in, I had to nap in the car to and from Springfield. And sitting for that long really makes my lower back hurt, and I guess the Tylonol helps a little, it doesn't help much. I've been feeling a lot of pressure in my abdomen too, which was starting to worry me, but I've pretty much decided its gas and bloating, which is apparently a common complaint in early pregnancy. Hormones to blame once again. I better get to bed now, its been a long weekend and I'm exhausted, and I might have a long week ahead of me. They want to burn at Johnson's Shut Ins on Tuesday, but I am hoping that it will be too wet from yesterday's rains. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Friday, February 23, 2007
I'm feeling better today. I got to sleep in my comfy bed after being gone a couple of days, which is always nice. And another full night's sleep helped too. Woke up early so I could talk to Steve. Although that conversation didn't make me very happy. His boss wanted him to stay until Oct 12, which is unacceptable, since baby will be here just a few weeks after that! But as it is he can't leave before 6 months is up or he will have to pay for the ticket to get home plus pay his boss back for the ticket to get there. Well that is 2 grand that can be used for other things. But doesn't keep it from being painful.
Anyway, today I went by Dr. Guiley to ask about my Adderal. As suspected, he said I should stop taking it immediately. I had already stopped taking it when I began to suspect I was pregnant. So that wasn't an issue. Then I asked the OB doc about working burns and stuff. They talked like it wouldn't be a problem, I am cleared to lift up to 50 lbs, and they said as long as I wear a mask on burns, I should be okay. I really don't feel comfortable being in the smoke though...I don't think they really understood how much smoke I eat when standing on the fireline. But she encouraged me to keep doing it, because women who get exercise have easier labor and delivery. I plan on still going to the gym and doing some treadmill and weight work, I don't want to gain too much weight. I will probably still go on burns, but not sure yet what capacity. I know how easily I get tired, so I don't think I'll be much good out on the burns. I am going to use this weekend to see how I will be able to handle being out...we have the Sierra Club coming to Washington State Park to do some cedar cutting and burning. I'll be hauling chunks of cedars to the burn pile as long as I can. But I'll be sure not to wear myself out too much. Weather may cancel everything though, its supposed to storm and I don't want to be out in that. They want to burn at Johnson's Shut Ins on Tuesday, that is 800 acres of hilly hell, so I am a bit nervous about that. I'm going to have to tell everyone, but I just hate to do that when my own family doesn't know. I kinda hope things gets cancelled this weekend so I can go to Rolla and break the news. Otherwise I will have to wait till Monday afternoon.
Today I had a headache all day. Not being able to take Excedrine is a BITCH. Tylonol is all I'm allowed, and that doesn't do a thing. My lower back hurts pretty bad after sitting or standing for a while. And then the tiredness. Tired all the time. But didn't need a nap today, so that was better.
Tried to look for places to rent closer to STL, found nothing but a bunch of cute houses for sale. Of course. Ugh. I wish I could just buy a house. Then I could decorate the nursery just how we want, we can have a space to call our own without worrying about the people next to us or above us, and finally...can stop throwing money away in rent. But anyway. The hunt will continue I suppose...for now I am exhausted and have a very long day tomorrow.
Anyway, today I went by Dr. Guiley to ask about my Adderal. As suspected, he said I should stop taking it immediately. I had already stopped taking it when I began to suspect I was pregnant. So that wasn't an issue. Then I asked the OB doc about working burns and stuff. They talked like it wouldn't be a problem, I am cleared to lift up to 50 lbs, and they said as long as I wear a mask on burns, I should be okay. I really don't feel comfortable being in the smoke though...I don't think they really understood how much smoke I eat when standing on the fireline. But she encouraged me to keep doing it, because women who get exercise have easier labor and delivery. I plan on still going to the gym and doing some treadmill and weight work, I don't want to gain too much weight. I will probably still go on burns, but not sure yet what capacity. I know how easily I get tired, so I don't think I'll be much good out on the burns. I am going to use this weekend to see how I will be able to handle being out...we have the Sierra Club coming to Washington State Park to do some cedar cutting and burning. I'll be hauling chunks of cedars to the burn pile as long as I can. But I'll be sure not to wear myself out too much. Weather may cancel everything though, its supposed to storm and I don't want to be out in that. They want to burn at Johnson's Shut Ins on Tuesday, that is 800 acres of hilly hell, so I am a bit nervous about that. I'm going to have to tell everyone, but I just hate to do that when my own family doesn't know. I kinda hope things gets cancelled this weekend so I can go to Rolla and break the news. Otherwise I will have to wait till Monday afternoon.
Today I had a headache all day. Not being able to take Excedrine is a BITCH. Tylonol is all I'm allowed, and that doesn't do a thing. My lower back hurts pretty bad after sitting or standing for a while. And then the tiredness. Tired all the time. But didn't need a nap today, so that was better.
Tried to look for places to rent closer to STL, found nothing but a bunch of cute houses for sale. Of course. Ugh. I wish I could just buy a house. Then I could decorate the nursery just how we want, we can have a space to call our own without worrying about the people next to us or above us, and finally...can stop throwing money away in rent. But anyway. The hunt will continue I suppose...for now I am exhausted and have a very long day tomorrow.
Well its official. I found out yesterday that I am pregnant. Seems so surreal still. I had been preparing myself for that news ever since I began to suspect it, but it still doesn't prepare you for the moment the doctor calls and confirms it. She said I was "just barely" pregnant, with my hcG hormone levels at 211. HcG is released soon after implantation, which occurs 8-12 days after conception. It starts at 5 IU/L at implantation, and doubles every day after that. So that puts conception somewhere between Feb 5-9th. I'm thinking it happened right around the time Steve left on the 7th. Even though sperm can live in the body for a while, for them to live long enough for conception to occur on the 9th is a bit of a stretch. But either way, this puts due date around Oct 30-Nov 1. I'll let the doctor determine that for sure. I have a doctor appointment on March 12, when they will listen for the heartbeat! I know that will be an amazing moment, and I so wish he could be here. I think my parents will probably come. Of course, that requires me talking to them....which I haven't done yet. I wanted to be able to do it in person. Maybe this weekend. I'm supposed to go to Washington State Park and supervise the Sierra Club as they cut and burn cedars. I don't know how much work I can/will be able to do. But I can go see my parents Monday if nothing else.
I found all this out right before I left for Winter Interpreter's training at Babler State Park. I woke up and got online, and thankfully Steve was on. While he was there on the computer, I went to take my HPT. Immediately two lines showed up. Even though instinctually I knew it, there was that small part of me thinking "oh shit". So I had to tell him via instant messenger, which really sucked. I made an appointment for a blood test that morning, just to be sure. So I went and got my blood drawn, and they said results would be back the next day. As I waited for my results yesterday, I got nervous because my presentation I was supposed to give got moved up to right after lunch. I was so worried they would call right before and I would have that on my mind the whole time. Thankfully, though, I didn't get the call until later. It was kinda hard not shouting it out to everyone! Because of course that mommy part of me is thrilled. But nervous too.
As for how I'm feeling, the best word is EXHAUSTED. I can get a full nights sleep, and the next day just be so tired. Today, all I did was sit through a half day of sessions and then rode home with Janet...and I was so tired I had to take a nap when I got home. Beyond that, my lower back hurts, I'm still kinda crampy feeling. And sore boobs, which has been a constant. My friend Becky is pregnant and she told me that it does go away, thank god. Its not that its that painful, but its really annoying. Of course, in a couple weeks I could be dealing with morning sickness. Mom said she never got it, so let's hope that's genetic!
I found all this out right before I left for Winter Interpreter's training at Babler State Park. I woke up and got online, and thankfully Steve was on. While he was there on the computer, I went to take my HPT. Immediately two lines showed up. Even though instinctually I knew it, there was that small part of me thinking "oh shit". So I had to tell him via instant messenger, which really sucked. I made an appointment for a blood test that morning, just to be sure. So I went and got my blood drawn, and they said results would be back the next day. As I waited for my results yesterday, I got nervous because my presentation I was supposed to give got moved up to right after lunch. I was so worried they would call right before and I would have that on my mind the whole time. Thankfully, though, I didn't get the call until later. It was kinda hard not shouting it out to everyone! Because of course that mommy part of me is thrilled. But nervous too.
As for how I'm feeling, the best word is EXHAUSTED. I can get a full nights sleep, and the next day just be so tired. Today, all I did was sit through a half day of sessions and then rode home with Janet...and I was so tired I had to take a nap when I got home. Beyond that, my lower back hurts, I'm still kinda crampy feeling. And sore boobs, which has been a constant. My friend Becky is pregnant and she told me that it does go away, thank god. Its not that its that painful, but its really annoying. Of course, in a couple weeks I could be dealing with morning sickness. Mom said she never got it, so let's hope that's genetic!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Today...the crampy feeling is gone. But gas, soooo gassy. Guts have been grumbling all day.
What a pretty picture.
temp is still up, around 99.3-99.5. And I have a headache.
Very moody too. I went on a rampage against Dave, then ended up with a crying fit, and then came home to be angry and moody some more. But he brings out that side in me anyway, so may have nothing to do with anything.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring??
What a pretty picture.
temp is still up, around 99.3-99.5. And I have a headache.
Very moody too. I went on a rampage against Dave, then ended up with a crying fit, and then came home to be angry and moody some more. But he brings out that side in me anyway, so may have nothing to do with anything.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring??
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Questions
Well, this will be a journal of many things. It could evolve into a specific type of journal, or could be just life in general. My main reason for posting this is for a place to chart a possible life changing experience. I've began wondering if I am pregnant. It is hard to imagine. Its something I've wanted for a long time, but this certainly wouldn't be the most opportune time. I'm fresh out of my relationship with Dave. Steve was here a couple of weeks to visit...hence the scare now...oops. And he got on a plane a week ago to go back to Korea for the next year. Yeah, that won't work. But, if this is what life is going to throw at me, then it is meant to be.
I've already been noticing some odd things. Many of these are things I would get for PMS symptoms, but that is often how it goes.
For about 3 days, my breasts have been extremely sore.
Today my lower back hurts really bad, excedrine doesn't help.
I have a dull ache in my left side, ovary area, that kind of radiates to lower back.
Sleep patterns all messed up, staying up all night and wanting to sleep all day. but there could be other explainations for this...drama with dave has caused that. Luckily that has been resolved, I think, so sleep should get back to normal.
So this is what I am experiencing so far. And according to the calculator, if I am preggo, due date would be October 31! Sweet! I will try to post regularly with any new developments. part of me kinda wishes it were true, but part of me doesn't. It would definatly be a bad time.
I've already been noticing some odd things. Many of these are things I would get for PMS symptoms, but that is often how it goes.
For about 3 days, my breasts have been extremely sore.
Today my lower back hurts really bad, excedrine doesn't help.
I have a dull ache in my left side, ovary area, that kind of radiates to lower back.
Sleep patterns all messed up, staying up all night and wanting to sleep all day. but there could be other explainations for this...drama with dave has caused that. Luckily that has been resolved, I think, so sleep should get back to normal.
So this is what I am experiencing so far. And according to the calculator, if I am preggo, due date would be October 31! Sweet! I will try to post regularly with any new developments. part of me kinda wishes it were true, but part of me doesn't. It would definatly be a bad time.
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